No holds barred...

Most blogs are are happy and fluffy and full of sunshine... this one isn't...... probably because I feel like screaming, hollering, bawling, and breaking things at the moment... anyway.... read on if you dare- but this one is really for me to vent and nothing more.

Kay- sometimes I really think about what I blog, " will it hurt _________'s feelings, or offend so-n-so? Reveal that I am indeed psychotic?"... well to he *& with all of that. I feel like I'm in melt down mode and I"m gonna type about it! Stop reading now if you think you might be offended or think, "gee, I wonder if she means me..." ... I don't- I don't mean anyone in particular- I'm just typing in general.

Lately I've been thinking about high school. Those feelings never go away. I don't know what your high school experience was, but mine was full of a feeling of inadequacy and general failure. I got good grades- that's not what I'm talking about- but socially I felt like, "I'm not pretty enough, not thin enough, I have zits (eeeeK! still sometimes at 35), I'm not rich enough, or talented enough, I don't drive the right car, I don't know the right thing to say, my fashion sense is all wrong.... I could go on and on... High School was brutal- so was middle school come to think of it.... anyway-

Lately I have been feeling the same way. I've connected with some old friends on face book and I think- "oh, crap... they will see that I'm still not 'enough'...." There were a handful of friends who were really that, friends- and i know that we could just pick up again and carry on- but not many!

My house isn't clean enough (and what's more people walk on it it when I'm not home and so they see whatever mess I thought, "I"ll do that when I get back"), my kids aren't presentable enough and haven't' learned to clean very well, I failed at nursing Maesyn-(I'm reminded by those close to me that she gave up on me, not the other way around... but still, I'm a nurser!!!! through and through! Heck- when I was pumping I literally cried over spilled milk because it was that much that she wouldn't get from me!), I'm ever gaining weight, and what's more-I despise working out! (so I don't do it... but I have goals!... I watch "the biggest loser" and hope it will rub off...)

I yell at my kids, my laundry is wrinkled, my work overwhelms me (well not work exactly- but balancing work and home), and my 5 mo old makes me crazy when she cries! I live in sweats, watch too much TV- I don't spend enough time with my family- I chronically worry that something will happen to my mom or dad and I'll regret that I lived so close and saw them so little...; I'm a poor money manager; I get resentful that I do what I do and I feel like the gender inequality is glaring! I work too, I mother (if badly), I do laundry, wash, fold, and put away; I vacuum, clean toilets, figure out dinner- sorta, pay bills, balance accounts, worry about other accounts that aren't perfect; and take out the trash, and make sure the kids have clothes that fit and are in season... (just off the top of my head... and then I'm suppose to be the molly mo-mo who is ready at a moments notice to run to the aid of another in need?... I struggle with that!) I missed church on Easter Sunday and, on that note, in family prayer the night before my kids went on and on about candy, eggs, and bunnies..... we really missed the boat!!!!! (don't worry, we had a long talk about the real reason for Easter)

I let my kids watch too much TV, I don't help enough with their homework, McKenna has a learning issue- I could probably fix it if I spent enough time... Bills are sometimes late, taxes are not filed... for like years!!! I don't call my siblings enough because i don't know what to talk to them about and then I'm just uncomfortable (I hate the phone to start with and the discomfort only heightens that... but I need to talk to them more often than I do- about more than I do... )

I don't think about dinner until the last minute, and then it's sometimes crap... am I the only mom who lets her kids eat Raman noodles? absolutely no nutrition there!!! I don't leave the house enough to do normal running around things- even groceries wait until the very last minute and are usually gotten on my way home from work... and I think I have some social anxiety...

My mother-in-law tells me the things my baby likes and dislikes (things I do that she- the baby- doesn't like...) and knows what is best for her always... I just feel like a colossal failure!!!

I need to have a whopping good cry, and the topper is that none of this matters! I need to stop obsessing and just get over it! I realize that frustration is a tool of the devil- dang the devil!!! But sometimes it just boils up and over and I can no longer contain it! No one ever says these things, so maybe I'm the only one- but if I'm not, and you sometimes feel the same- now that you've read this you can rest assured that you are not psychotic, or if you are you are in decent company-

So many blogs are all about the good things and how well everything is going... well right now i can't muster that up- so you are getting pure truth.... I have a crying baby to challenge me now, so I'm going to pack her up and run to H&R Block to file an extension paper thingy and call it good..... Feel good about your lives and hopefully when your dad says, "call over some friends to play cards with" you can say, "yeah, I have some!" because all I could think of was, "I don't have any, if I don't play with family, I don't play.....K, the kid is still crying and I'm not proofing this- it is a jumbled mess of complaints and self pity- I know that-= and if you are going to criticize me for that, well then, the next time you are feeling bad about yourself, I hope you remember that. I think you are all wonderful- but I needed to pound the keyboard for a minute and not worry what anyone would think or say......... Have a good day- Oh- and happy April 15th... I'm sure that is helping!