I'm the best!

... at being worst! i so feel like a failure today. You know the picture of the defeated knight, his lance all bent and broken, with a caption that says, "Some days the dragon wins..." Well, today the dragon kicked my *&&... and when he was through with me, I continued to wallow in a pool of hot, sticky, gooey, quick-sand of self loathing... I'm good at this- extraordinarily good at this, if I can toot my horn a little bit, here's where there'd be a big ol' HHHOOOOONNNNNKKK! I SUCK!!! okay, end rant on self loathing and dismal failure in all areas of life today.... tomorrow is another day, and it will go better... it has to, doesn't it? Oh, please say it does...

I so enjoy reading other blogs. They make me laugh, cry, giggle, clap, etc. Sometimes they are the inspiration I need to be better, to try something different, just to go and do and do and do, and not stop doing... but tonight I read one and thought, "k, that's it... I am officially the worlds worst mom... ever... "

Continuing on with this self pitty and whoa is me-ness... can I tell you about my emotional constipation issue? There is no "cry-a tive" like there are laxatives... I need a good cry! I need to bellow and snort, choke and sob, I need to have a bone rattling, sore the next day, can't breathe through my nose, bloodshot eyes, not sure you'll ever run out of tears, sob fest... "Why would anyone want to have one of those?" you ask? Clearly you've never experienced the catharsis that comes at the end of said sob... that's what I need my friend, that cathartic cry, where at the end of it all you sleep and then wake feeling awful, with that post cry headache, and yet, somehow renewed and ready to rise up and try again... my cryer is broke.... I teared up a plenty today, but no cry...

I'm a mean mom. I've officially threatened to cancel Christmas if my kids do not keep their room clean for the next 2 weeks.... is that bad? I'd have to follow through, right? I mean, I told them that we'd just pack up and head to Idaho and see what everyone else got and be happy for them that they got Christmas... and then remember to keep our rooms clean so that we can have it next year.... harsh? kinda...

I think today was just a culmination of that "I'm the mom who is every ones maid, doctor, nurse, cook, launderer, cleaner, wiper, washer, shopper, etc, etc..." you get it, you no doubt have days when you feel it! I know I'm not alone here, but I feel completely deflated tonight. I let my kids beat me... and then I turned around (because I'm bigger, and I'm suppose to be the boss) and I was mean, and yelly, and grumpy, and a bit cutting- that's when I really dislike my quick and biting wit... it is never Christlike... and it is the worst thing I can allow myself to do to my kids... to say mean things- they are too important for me to do that...

Alas, today is over. Tomorrow is a new day. It is another day that I get to spend in its entirety with my kids- they are off school. I hope that there will be giggles, and games, cuddling and shopping, helping and kindness... and mutual respect... it will be a better day, I will make it so, and then I won't feel quite so broken... I hope.